No Way José

Duh – where am I?

You don’t need an excuse to write about Paris. Paris is une permission in itself. This week-end I had the chance to spend the evening in the city of lovers. I dined at the Vaudeville Brasserie which is just by the Bourse de Paris. It was succulanimous food served by a charming waiter named José from Nicaragua. For some reason his maitre constantly interfered with the poor guy’s work in some kind of

Emma deep in Parisian research. You gotta live it to write it.

attempted public humiliation. He didn’t bite or fire back. His service was impeccable. Where I come from the tormentor would have been waking up with a crowd around him. I would have applauded.  If you travel to Paris head for the 2nd Arrondissement and treat yourself to oysters and magret de canard at the Vaudeville.  Ask for José and tell him Emma sent you.

Vaudeville Brasserie


I once commented that most people’s troubles result directly from other people. Why why why are some people such utter shits? Why? We are a world of angry people. Some people are shits because they are angry. The others are angry because of the shits. It’s enough to make me circle viciously looking for an outlet. Ah! There you are…

I rode the Metro with all the late late lovers. I dreamed of my next

passion patrol book set mainly in France. I thought back to Freddie and Anna as love swept them away along the Seine in KnockoutI thought of books and the great traditions of literature…..OK, I’d had a few glasses of wine (the champagne doesn’t count does it)……Paris – c’est une permission. 


Emma Thinx: You’re the boss of you – give yourself permission.

Tandemocracy – Vote With Your Feet

The following post appeared on the Loveahappyending Lifestyle Magazine on Friday 20th September 2013:
Once upon a time I had a male work-colleague who, in these enlightened times, would have been called a control freak sociopath with psychotic tendencies.  In those days he was regarded as a leader of men, a tosser-testerone role-model and destined for ultimate command of the galaxy. I used to call him Alpha Moron.  This gentleman had a deep seam of weakness which could be easily accessed through his trousers.  A good female friend was mining his fossil fuel when he astounded the world and fell in love with her.  Of course, I knew it was a mistake.  Firstly he could not love anything outside of a mirror frame and secondly she was far too good for him.  So, incidentally, was my cat and she had been squashed by a truck.

Your chance to give him the boot…
In any event, he declared his love and announced to his “friends” that he intended to marry her.  She did not receive a ring but instead a pair of hiking boots and an anorak.  I should point out that Alpha Moron was a health-food-Nazi, hiker and mountain scrambler.  He declared that his bride-to-be would be tested.  He arranged a weekend in Wales where she would have to climb two peaks in two days to prove her dedication.  In her leisure time she would be allowed to massage his muscles and wash his socks.  My dear demented friend had fallen so far under the spell of his rock-hard fossil that she agreed.  Alpha Moron then invited my boyfriend and me to join them for the test and suggested that I too could be tested if my man (Colin the Beta Moron) felt it appropriate.  He did not and to be honest his fossil had never hardened to the same extent.

Cader Idris, Wales
We set out for Wales.  The peaks were Pen y Fan and Cader Idris. We slogged and scrambled.  We slithered and slaved and that was just getting into the sheep-dung scented guest house. She surprised him by hiding her three kids in my car. Alpha Moron took one look and dumped them on me and Colin.  We took them to Llandudno and ate burgers on the beach in the rain.  He berated us as child abusers for feeding them non-organic junk.  She climbed and survived. Although surprised by the children he married her and took total command.  The kids ran away and she turned to drink.




Ladies – let me tell you there is another way!

Daisy Does Dieppe

Daisy Does Dieppe
You get a tandem bicycle.  If you want to test him – this is the ultimate denouement.  You need to know what sort of character he is.  By tradition a tandem bike has the larger (male) “captain” on the front and the smaller (female) “stoker” on the back.  This may sound daunting but it raises the potential for back-seat driving to ultimate heights.  Men like to pedal faster which can set the female bouncing on her saddle.  Too much of this behaviour can mean there’ll be no night of love to reward his pedalling.  Let him know this early on!
He cannot tell how much effort you are putting in.  If he is a world-conquering super-hero who wants to display his dominance and bionic uber-power – let him!

My Lycra-Clad Lad
Lycra is not necessarily flattering to the body.  If he doesn’t like what he sees now, he’ll like it less in a few years. If you are wondering what he’s got – Lycra, Time and Shakespeare tell all truth.  If you want to know if it’s in his kiss, simply kiss him and see if the elastic goes ecstatic.
If you want to check out his health, metabolism and social adjustment feed him a veggie curry, hold your breath and grip those rear handlebars.
Team understanding is essential.  Gear changes are moments of great stress but also enlightenment.  If you can’t sense your partner’s need for a gear change, your simultaneous harmonies may never sync up. Aaaaah……oh dear….another late change of pace!  Most tandems have twenty-four up to thirty gears so don’t give up on him too soon. The older male needs more time, so a bit of feeble fiddling and dribbling on his own levers can give you the secret time to lube up your own cogs.
His choice of language is a real game changer.  Long weary climbs are a metaphor for a whole marriage.  Any hint of tetchy sarcasm rules him out.  Anything like “I thought you’d gone home,” or “You’ve usually got enough breath talking to your mother,” you’ll be better off on your own.

Zinc & Castor Oil Bliss
My mother told me men only wanted one thing.  The truth is they only want the one thing they haven’t yet got hold of.  And, truth to tell, it’s probably not coated in antiseptic nappy-rash cream.  When you watch the glamour and swirling fashion-logo-fest of Olympic cycling, you’re probably not thinking of saddle sores or intimate blisters.  All those heroes and heroines are greased up like oven ready chickens.  If your man can’t face a bit of intimate Sudocrem he’ll never wield a bog brush. Ditch him!
Test his emotional intelligence. If you tell him twice it would be nice to look at the view and he shouts back that the football/cricket/golf has already started on the TV just stop pedalling and bail out.  It’s over.



However…

If you arrive at your destination, he kisses your fly-spattered gasping lips and tells you you were brilliant – it’s love. I’m a lucky woman – but……the test never ends. There’s always the return trip.
EmmaTandem

En-route to Hurstbourne Tarrant – 32 miles up the glorious Test Valley and still smiling.
I love our bike.  It’s a true harmony and a team sport.  If you are at two with your partner introduce them to the new politics. Tandemocracy – it’s a vote for the coalition of love or the dissolution of empire.  Chant the slogan of equality –

“Forever on four legs, together as one”


Visit The Loveahappyending Lifestyle Magazine to read more of my articles.


Emma Thinx:  Love on a bike has no reverse gear.

My Valentine Love Poem

A a writer of Romance, Valentine’s day is kinda like Christmas eve in Walmart and Santa’s place at the North Pole. I am a real sucker for Saint Valentine’s day. Well, yes I know all the teddy bears, hearts, flowers and chocolates are a commerce-fest crossed with an orgy of kitsch. 

Yet, among it all the festival has that wonderful power to give permission for anyone to go completely over the top in the knowledge that…..you just cannot go over the top. No rose is too red, no teddy bear is too big, no card has too much sentiment. 

It was in this frame of mind that I have written my Valentine’s love poem. I write of love because I have had much of it and of course, it not all hearts and flowers. But when it is – then it is the most wonderful and dizzying thing in this universe. I have said in a previous Emma Thinx – anyone who can talk sensibly of love is not in it. On Valentine’s day, the gloves are off and the wits are out. Why be sensible or bother with taste when you can let go and love?

Emma Thinx: If you can’t exaggerate your fantasy – it’s love.



Une Passion Parisienne

There is  often a conflict in my mind between the artistic and the commercial. Recently I have been working on some poetry and videos to publicise my next book and my last one. Poetry was my first teenage expression of myself as a writer. I remember how I used to look at drab terraced urban houses and watch the red of passion bleeding out into the grey pool of everyday. The folk who queued with me for tube trains and buses had known first kisses, and shared with me the aching expectation of wholeness that LOVE, and only love, would bring. 



Like many women, I have known the desert and the jungle of love.  Somewhere deep down in me has always been the defeatist clerk, telling me to forget the Romance and warm my lips on the cold bottom line. I think this voice is in a lot of us. It is the reason I write  Romance. When I wrote “Knockout” I took my readers to Paris to some moments I had lived myself. A week or so ago, I completed a video in which the text is taken from the book. It’s not a sell. It’s a truth of my life just a little overdressed.


Emma thinx: Love is letting go, but get a grip on him first. 




Warning: This Post Has Adult Contentment

The Power of Love

Like so many others, I have been reading Fifty Shades. This book has many aspects but nothing much caught my attention before the scene where Anastasia goes to the ball  wearing silver jiggle balls in an intimate location. Now, that could have given a whole new meaning to the term college drop out. At least no one would need castanets. May I just say at this point that top critics (Oh yes, they really exist) of such devices complain that they are too noisy. In my view this only applies if you are a stick insect and there is little flesh to suppress the percussion. 

Writing my latest novel has led me to research the world of sex toys.(Of course, I had no existing knowledge). There is a reference to the term dildo in Shakepeare’s Winters Tale, where the general tone is the jumping and thumping of maids. Now that sounds more like Fifty Shades. Several references to the dildesque can be found in serious literature by the likes of Saul Bellow.  William S Burroughs’s novel “The Naked Truth” features a dildo named Steely Dan III. In my life I have met several complete dildos with very ordinary names.

But, here is my point. Seemingly most females have at least one sex toy. Judging from reviews on sales sites such as Ann Summers, much satisfaction is gained thereby. This being the case, should a modern cutting edge writer of Romantica expect to enter such elements into her own text? Recently I saw an advertisement for a vibrating mobile phone that the lady wears within her under garment. This enables her lover to call her to express his love. This would revolutionise the commuter train experience. Just think – no more calls about “Did you remember to get the cat castrated and buy some dishwasher salt?” Instead there would be nothing but orgasmic gaspings. Trouble is, the show-offs would be faking remote controlled cyber-joy like all of those righteous anorexic joggers proclaiming their discipline and sacrifice . Oooh – I’m a scratchy bitch.  

So huge is the toy industry that it would be pointless for me to add anything technical. I was only eight when Barbarella came out but it played on T.V. late slots for many many years. I have always thought that perhaps it encouraged women to break out a little. If you are too young to have caught it, take a peep at the machine of excess pleasure. Since then huge amounts of silicone have travelled many valleys. These days the soft hard and limp ware is there, whatever your needs. 

The issue is their context in modern love. At what point can the meadow of unexplored love be nibbled by the rampant rabbits? (If you are in a private location and unaware of powered rubber rodents click here). If I am being deadly serious, many real life heroines have only come to know themselves by taking a walk on the wilder side of a toy story.  Let us imagine such a person.

It was their first night in Venice. The Spring sun had teased the ripples of the lagoon before departing with a raised eyebrow of promise and return. The night drifted in, slowly weaving its slim cold fingers  around the halos of lamps and the calls of boatman on the Grand Canal. This moment of life  lived itself and was beyond her own desires. Only now  she took his hand  as the darkness seeped into them. Dare she reach out and offer her warmth as contrast to the chill? All day, the city had seemed to blind him. Now it slipped away from sight and she was aware of his restless young body and of her own. A night would be and could not be held back. She was tired but thrilled to the animal possibilities of decadence that she had not the power to resist. She let her hand soften a little to hint at her mood. She breathed more slowly and let her eyes find nothing but his. Although his gaze was on the horizon she knew he sensed her focus and that she was a woman. It had been a risk to bring him here. The dusk had blurred their differences and she was beginning to enter a remembered flow. Her lips needed his and yet she bowed her head and merely let her forehead rest on his hard upper arm. The last false light silhouetted La Chiesa Santa Maria de la Salute as he turned and with his palm raised her chin. His gaze caressed her and drew her out from her body so that their kiss was disconnected from time. She drowned in his strength and had no sense of will.

‘This place isn’t Venice, it will ever be you,’ he said.
‘I was wanting it to be us.’
‘I’ve wanted that since you stepped out of that Bentley.’
‘Then we’ve some kisses to catch up,’ she said.

He let out a groan and cuddled her to him with a  boyish bear hug clumsiness. He was to be her lover. She reached up to push his hair back and hold his face. She offered her lips and he took them instinctively as a man taking a girl. For now she could define their roles and he would respond. She knew in his kiss that soon enough he would tell her of his love. And she knew she would love him more  but never let him leave with such a trophy. 

Now, I had intended to spoof this with some kind of flat battery, vibrator cheap shot but I just bloody well couldn’t because I was enjoying it. The fact is that sex toys are sex. Romance is Romance. The above scene is a glimpse of my next book. I suspect that this lady may well have found herself more fully as a result of experiment and a falling away of shyness. Late in her life she has learned of pleasure. It will be her gift. 

Emma thinx: Keep the private lessons secret. Share the knowledge.  












I’m Fifty not Thrifty – Still Giving it all Away

First of all it was Woolworths. This wonderful shop from which I had purchased my first 45 rpm record (T Rex singing “Ride a white Swan“) closed a few years ago. Oooh – I was only 8years old but Marc Bolan was the prettiest bloke I had ever seen. I had been given a record token (who remembers them?) for my birthday. It was a few months later that I heard him singing and my love affair with men wearing tight pink clothing began. Ever since I’ve been addicted to the Giro d’Italia cycle race.


And now, 42 years later, as the Giro rolls across Italy, I am approaching the big Five Oh No. To coincide with this event “Clintons Cards” announces the closure of about half its outlets. Seemingly they are a victim of the e-card, rather in the way that dead tree books are becoming a victim of the e-book. I am not sure how I feel about any of this. In order to celebrate my birthday I’m giving away digital copies of “Knockout” on Amazon Worldwide ( USA UK FRANCE GERMANY ITALY & SPAIN) during Thursday 17th and Friday 18th May in the hope of reaching the big 50 in the charts as well as in my bones, teeth and soft components. As a special salute to “Clintons Cards” and the dead tree book industry, I am also giving away signed copies of my paperback on Goodreads – all entries to be in by Sunday 20th May.

Now, another year slips by and all that. I do just wanna say that I’ve had more fun and frolics since I turned forty than I had ever had before. Wow – let’s ratchet it up for the next decade. Maybe a little extra chilli and garlic, maybe a slightly deeper red wine over a longer lunch. Slower breaths and longer kisses have been the wisdom of my ageing.  Really truly, this is a deeply serious comment. The English summer is cold and wet so far. The Euro creaks. The money beast bellows. From Greece come stories of mounting suicides and new born babies being held as security in hospitals when mothers cannot pay. Let us not forget love, comradeship and pleasure. It is allowed.

Emma thinx: Comrade humans – if not us, then what is humanity?

Writing the Sex in the Text



Shall we talk about sex? Oh OK – if you really want me to. I write Romance. Well – love and sex actually. In “Knockout” there is a story but it is a story about a sexy woman going headlong into a passionate sexathon with a beautiful guy. They do it in her bed. She does it all on her own. They do it in his bed, in Paris, several other places and they do it on a boat. They kiss and caress the burning totality of each other’s lips. They adore each other’s skin and musk. She craves the untiring hard knot of his controlling, urgent muscles. He longs for her abandon, surrender and softness They eat highly flavoured food and breathe the garlic of shared ecstasy. They drink champagne and lie naked in the warm open air almost as a sacrifice on the altar of lust. Oooh….if I don’t stop tweaking the knobs I’ll have to jump in a cold bath. And just think – it was me, a middle aged working woman who wrote it.

self portrait

 The basic reason why I write this kinda stuff is that I love it in life and I love it in fantasy. I know it may be a brazen to say that, but it’s true and if I’m honest then in my writing about sex I’m not short changing my readers. When I write a sex scene I am there and willing it on. Actually, it’s writing itself.


There are technical problems in writing about sex. The big one (Oooh steady on) is the line between artistic, pornographic, anatomical, purple and naff. Different generations and cultures have different levels of frankness and taste. In the supermarket today I noted that I could present myself for chlamydia venereal disease testing while I was waiting for a new batch of granary wholemeal bread to reach the shelves. All those intimate swabs quite put me off the idea of a nice buttered crust.  I was reading some supermarket Romance where the young lady presented her sexual arousal by way of her “dampened swath”. That brought me out in a fit of the giggles. I figured if things didn’t gel with the guy at least she could wipe down the kitchen worktops. In another similar epic, the young lady exposed her “creamy crevice” – so far this is the worst image I have ever encountered. Well, at least there is some classy alliteration. Finding the words, the euphemisms and the poetic passion of human juice is not always easy. Just this morning I encountered a curly triangle of love. Well, I suppose if your car broke down you could prop it up in the road to warn other drivers of an obstruction. It’s all about context is it not?

knobs and shafts

When it comes to the male side of the park, obviously a female can only guess and ask a lot of questions. My lover man is never shy. His only complaint is that males only get to ride one wave while  females can stay in surfing all day. – (Hmmm – depends on the quality of the water). Males provide more vocabulary problems. I have a few dislikes – such as swollen manhoods. It always makes me think of those old naval war films where they wear 10 layers of clothing under a duffle coat.. Luckily, my readers are mostly female and factors such as size of hands, width of shoulders and tone of voice can excite more response than shafts, lengths and pulsating needs. For fun I googled “knobs and shafts”. Not quite what I had in mind. With males it’s just so easy to get lost in engineering. 


But here is the core of the issue. People like sex. Even people who do not want actual full contact sex are interested in it. Sex is us. We are born what we are and half the world has the opposite set of bits. 

And then, of course there is love. Oh Love, oh love, love, love. This purest thing, rejoicing in the pollution of its own sense, losing focus so as to see nothing but the other. It is where the ego both asserts its power to give and shrivels in a humility of powerless longing. Our love finds expression and escape in physical sex. Cold sex is what my friend the poet Oscar Sparrow describes as the “gaping gash of loveless love”. Getting this blend right is the work of the humble hack Romance writer. 

“Knockout!” my romance novel on Kindle is FREE on Saturday 28th and Sunday 29th January if you want to check out how I deal with these tender literary parts.

Amazon USA
Amazon UK


Emma thinx: Love me – love my love.







Death! Plop.


OK Literatti – let’s get down on some poetry. Today I have been busy on a whole new project of compiling and editing a book of poetry on behalf of Gallo-Romano Media. Regulars will have heard me rattling on about my mate Oscar Sparrow whom I have known for many years. He’s a bit kinda prickly to be honest and is a tree book hard-liner. On account of that he’s scuffed along in a bedragglement of small press pamphlets, anthologies and Arts Council artsfarts. (An artsfart is a form of poetry only read by South American ant-eaters)  Eventually I have persuaded him to put out a small collection of his poems via Rosina’s media outfit. Everyone knows that no one reads poetry except other poets and they don’t like it cos they didn’t write it themselves. I’m officially gonna be credited as editor and a small contributor.  He believed that he has sold his soul to the forces of Mammon but he cheered up when we assured him that no one would read it and he wouldn’t get paid. It is at moments like that you know you are in the presence of a true poet. I wish Oscar were my brother so that I could love him.


There was a poet called Theophilus Marzials (1850 – 1920) who is sometimes accused of having written the world’s worst poem. In his day he was a successful writer and it only since his death that the critteratti have spiked into him. Oscar uses this as an argument against having any form of success in this world. Now, I like Theo’s poem and so you know what I’m talking about – here it is.

A Tragedy

Theophilus Marzials

Death! Plop.

The barges down in the river flop.

Flop, plop.
Above, beneath.

From the slimy branches the grey drips drop,
As they scraggle black on the thin grey sky,
Where the black cloud rack-hackles drizzle and fly
To the oozy waters, that lounge and flop
On the black scrag piles, where the loose cords plop,
As the raw wind whines in the thin tree-top.

Plop, plop.
And scudding by

The boatmen call out hoy! and hey!
All is running water and sky,

And my head shrieks — “Stop,”
And my heart shrieks — “Die.”

*          *          *          *          *
My thought is running out of my head;
My love is running out of my heart,
My soul runs after, and leaves me as dead,
For my life runs after to catch them — and fled
They all are every one! — and I stand, and start,
At the water that oozes up, plop and plop,
On the barges that flop
                              And dizzy me dead.
I might reel and drop.
                                                Plop.
                                                Dead.And the shrill wind whines in the thin tree-top
                           Flop, plop.
*          *          *          *          *
A curse on him.
                            Ugh! yet I knew — I knew —
If a woman is false can a friend be true?
It was only a lie from beginning to end —

My Devil — My “Friend”

I had trusted the whole of my living to!

Ugh; and I knew!

Ugh!
So what do I care,

And my head is empty as air —

I can do,
I can dare,
(Plop, plop
The barges flop
Drip drop.)

I can dare! I can dare!

And let myself all run away with my head
And stop.

Drop.
Dead.
Plop, flop.

                                              Plop.

Just read on from “slimy branches” through to “thin tree top.” To me it is a poem teeming with drippy droppiness and flappy ploppy flopshiousness. Of course, its absolute lusciousness of vocab kinda does away with the sentiment of TRAGEDY which he is trying to capture. I like it because a guy wrote it when he had trouble with a woman and whatever was going on this trace of of love remains and I am here reading it and talking about it. Theo – you were a man who wrote poems. Time has made you a poet in my heart. Over to to you guys……

More international MARKET people all day talking about what they want the world to do. Is there any further point in the pretence of having meaningful national democratic governments?

Emma thinx: Economic Feudalism – the noble savage serving the savage noble.