101 Tips On How To Be A Bouncer.

Today I am handing over the blog to my comrade Oscar Sparrow. These days he describes himself as an ex poet and truck driver. He appears here in his role as an audio narrator for Gallo-Romano Media.


You don’t end up like this by winning fights. I should have read the book!

In my youth (well, perhaps my thirties and forties), I did the poetry reading round. Anyone who has ever done this, will know just how tough it can be. Surely, sitting in a quiet recording studio should be far easier. No drunks, no chanting football fans or passing poet haters. Just me….and that is the problem. Once you’ve read a poem to a crowd (or four acrid smelling people who thought it was ferret club night), the thing is done. You can’t go back to tweak the bleak or lengthen the longing in the tone. It’s done my dear and where’s my beer? (See – once a poet always a poet).

A narrator’s work is never done. The errors will haunt you for ever. For all that it is a wonderful job. A couple of weeks ago I completed a rather unusual project. 101 Tips On How To Be A Bouncer is a unique book. The tag line is “Techniques To Handle Situations Without Violence”. The author, Darren Lee, is an experienced “Crowd Controller” who has also spent many years as a lawyer. The book does exactly what it says on the tin. The only thing is that the tin contains far more than you would think. In fact it is a book about psychology at the cutting edge of real dangerous life. From my own experience of many years as a London street cop, I can tell it was written by a guy who absolutely knows the score. It’s premise is how to be a bouncer and avoid conflict or violence. The essential thing is the management of potentially aggressive ego. At the same time, the “crowd controller” must be in charge and act with INTENTION. This is a balancing act, in front of a dangerous audience who massively outnumber the “controller”.  Never underestimate the courage needed to turn up for work,  knowing that any failure of your personal skills or physical confidence could leave you seriously injured. 

I finished this book with a great admiration for all those guys who do this job. Few folk could not learn something from it. Anyone in security, event organizing, policing roles or the entertainment industry could gain insight from this book. As I read it, I realised that as a parent, this was a book I wish I could have put in the way of my clubbing kids. Youngsters don’t want to be mothered by old hens – after all – what do they know? A book by a “bouncer” has street cred and knowledge. It would help anyone to recognise situations and be able to assess risk. If you are with a group which is beginning to lose the plot – the “crowd controllers” will know the signs and be aware. Knowledge is power and I certainly would have  put it in my kids’ sober hands as a quiet piece of homework. If the only thing they learned was that there are guys out there who’ve got their number and have seen it all before – that’s a major plus believe me. In the ocean of beers, shots and fun, a few will drown. Knowing the score could keep you afloat.

It was an unusual book to narrate. I found my tone in my London roots as a police patrol car driver. Darren is quite right. The “old school” bouncer is as dead as the old rough justice cop. It’s still a tough world out there and always will be. Cheers boys and girls – and have a good night eh!


Thanks Oscar.  I’ve read this book myself. I was dismayed to learn that the last doorman asking for my I.D. was probably just doing a canned flattery routine. Oooh – he was sexy and I still love him for it anyway!

Here is a clip of Oscar explaining how to handle an old Doris like me… 

Emma Thinx: Love on the bounce requires a man with balls.

Escape To Love On Tour.

You would have thought that by now a media pro like me would have gone on display somewhere. Perhaps a tour with beasts in an old fashioned circus or starring as a fortune teller on the end of a pier somewhere would have been glamorous. As a kid I always longed for such a life – but it was not to be. 

I can now set aside all my previous disappointments. I am going on my first ever blog tour. It was only recently that I really found out what a blog tour is. I guess all of you out there knew already. Since I’m something of a virgin, I’m only doing five stops with the following kind hosts: 

Anneli Purchase on 4th Feb.
Gallo-Romano Media on 6th Feb.
Laurie Jenkins On 10th Feb.
Sheryl Browne on 11th Feb.
Mandy Baggot on 12th Feb.

There will be a chance to win a prize at each stop.

I am hoping not to destroy their readership. Of course, the purpose of the tour is to announce the publication of my latest story “Escape To Love”, which will be out on Monday 4th February. This novelette is a further addition to my urban love series. There will be two more after this which will then form a collection under the banner “Love In A Hopeless Place” – all with full free audio book narrated by me (female roles) or Oscar Sparrow (male roles). 

If you tune in tomorrow there will be a SoundCloud link to the audio of chapter one. Hope to see you there. 

Emma thinx: The rose of love blooms and dies in water – but it thrives in a nice bit of dirt. 

Freeze Frame cover Reveal

I’ve been working. My dear mate Oscar has been editing and compiling a collection of poetry. I’ve actually done some work on the audio – but only because I’m so bloody nosy about how people sound. Recently I went back into poetry myself to do a couple of YouTube videos. You know, poetry is still a really cool medium. I would be the first to admit that the commercial bish bosh bash has weakened my ability to go into full poet mode.

Listening to these guys I kinda zoned out of all the clatter. There’s Paul Tobin, a real deal poet who gets inside the fence and under the radar. He’s  – just so calm and persuasive. Jo Von Bargen – an American poet with a life soaked softness that is – well – beautiful. There’s a guy called Jeff Hansen who comes up with abstract stuff in a direct voice that offers ideas without any messing about. There’s Claude Nougat who speaks quite hauntingly about Rome in a captivating Scandiamerifrancitaliano  accent that must be unique to her and the world. There’s Oscar in his full Thespian/cockney truck driver/British posh. Finally, there’s Candy Bright who digs it out from the woman’s heart and certainly gets hold of mine. 

Today the cover of the collection Freeze Frame is revealed and I am proud of my very small part in this project. The cover was created by a young designer, Will,  who freelances for Gallo-Romano.  They tell me the e-book will be up on 21st December and the paper edition in January. It has its own Facebook page and if you feel so inclined you could follow the link and like it. 

Emma thinx:  Go undercover – hibernate with a book.